Help! My 2 year old’s bedtime is taking forever & I’m losing my mind (as well as my evening)
I hear you, and I’m sending strength. Bedtime battles are TOUGH.
There are a few main reasons why toddler bedtimes can become a bit long and painful. It’s a time of huge change in their abilities & development. It’s also a time when there may be big things happening in the world around them (childcare / nap drops / the arrival of siblings etc..!) Bedtime marks the end of their day with you and the start of a long period of separation overnight, so it can be a time where they try to push boundaries, assume some control and resist sleep.
If you find yourself in this boat, here are a few things you can check & try!
1. Start Simple - Consider: Are They Actually Tired When You’re Trying to Get Them to Bed?
I get it—parenting is hard. When the end of the day rolls around, you might be eager for some grown-up time. But as your children get older, their sleep needs decrease, so that trusty 7 p.m. bedtime that worked well for so long may now be too early!
TRY THIS: Start noting the time they actually fall asleep. For a few nights, try beginning their bedtime routine 20 minutes before that time. It might feel like you’re losing your evening by having them stay up longer, but the simple mindset shift of knowing they’ll be awake until that later time can help you enjoy the time more. This is much better than watching the clock, desperately counting down to bedtime. Spending the evening with them—playing, reading, going out, etc.—is a lot more pleasant than spending an hour or more sitting in their dark bedroom, getting increasingly frustrated and resentful while they run around, scream, and fight sleep!
Whatever new bedtime you choose, try sticking with it for 3-5 nights to give it a fair chance before ruling it out as the issue.
2. Could They Perhaps Be Overtired?
I know… Sorry to confuse things.
But I think we’ve all been there—feeling ready for bed straight after dinner, but wide awake by the time we actually crawl into bed! When little ones have been awake longer than is comfortable for them, their cortisol levels start to rise again, which can result in slightly wild, manic, silly behavior! The more this cortisol rises, the harder it will be for them to regulate, calm down, and get into sleep mode.
TRY THIS: Start by checking whether their wake windows are within the range of what’s normal for their age (see chart below). Each child is unique, so we can’t assume they’ll fit neatly into a mold. But if your 18-month-old is awake for 9 hours between the end of their nap and going to sleep, chances are they’re going to be pretty overtired.
You could either try to push back the start of their nap or bring bedtime forward to fit within the age-appropriate wake window. Just see what happens! If you find that they start falling asleep more quickly and easily at this time, stick with it for a few days and observe the results.
3. Are They Seeking Connection?
A lot of toddler bedtime battles occur because they need more reassurance and connection time with you before they’re ready to separate for the night. Are there ways you can add more of this into the later part of your day?
TRY THIS: Bathe or shower together, have lots of cuddles, read books in a snuggly den, give them a massage, or have tickle time. Put your phone away and ensure you’re giving them as much of your focused attention as possible before saying goodnight.
If your toddler is still in a cot and you’re having a hard time getting them into it, it might be worth considering a floor bed. This gives you the ability to lie with them while they fall asleep, reducing the physical separation between you.
4. Are You Giving Them Enough Opportunity to Get Their Energy Out?
There’s often a misconception that bedtime routines have to be calm & quiet. But if you’re going straight from dinner to bathtime and then into a relaxing bedtime routine, your little one might not be getting enough chances to wriggle, wiggle, and move!
TRY THIS: Ensure you’re giving your little one the opportunity to burn off energy before trying to get them to lie down and sleep. Don’t be afraid to have some fun! Run around, play, and be silly with them. Allow them to push heavy things around and get their bodies moving. Let them climb (safely!), swing them, roll them up into a blanket burrito. Help them release any pent-up energy so it’s easier for them to relax when sleep time comes.
5. Do you need to introduce some kind but firm boundaries?
As a gentle, respectful parent, it can feel uncomfortable creating any situation where our children feel upset. It can be hard to find the line between a ‘threat’ and a ‘boundary’. But whether they feel comfortable or not, boundaries are really important and valuable for toddlers. They help them to feel safe, allowing them to hand over the control and responsibility of the situation to US. During the toddler years, our children are going to test and push boundaries to find our edges. So it’s important that we are able to firmly, yet with respect and kindness, communicate with them.
TRY THIS: Design the bedtime routine together if they are old enough. Otherwise clearly and calmly communicate to them what is going to happen. Eg. We read 2 books together, then we get into bed and sing one song while lying down holding hands.
And if your little one starts pushing for ‘one more book’, you can simply remind them of what you agreed. They may not like this boundary being held, and there is likely to be a show of emotion. But remember: emotion is a normal, healthy response to things not going their way! Here’s an example of how you could handle the situation.
‘I see you’re feeling sad because you wanted one more book, but we have already read our 2 books tonight, so I will put this book in a special place so we can read it together tomorrow. Now which song would you like us to sing together while we lie down?’
Each toddler is different, of course, and there are many other reasons why they may be resisting bedtime that are unique to your situation. If you’re looking for tailored guidance, you can book in for some 1:1 support from just £50!